3 Musings on Work + Life… Generosity.
1. Generous to self.
Before being generous to others, we must first be generous to ourselves. This is not selfishness or narcissism. Dr. Kristin Neff researched the importance of self-compassion. According to Neff, “Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with your failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?”
This past week I engaged in an immersive training with 20 other souls hosted by New Ventures West (my coaching school). The title was “Thwarting the Inner Critic.” Through many tears, I discovered I was bypassing the processing of my pain before I could reach my compassion. I could say the words but not feel the hurt. From this work came a poem of self-compassion. I wrote to my Inner Critic (also known as our Super-Ego), Lydia.
Lydia I know you want to protect me I appreciate your care I needed you when I was young, Yet I am older and wiser now Please let go of your grip You don’t need to leave me, Just don’t cling so tight I’ve got this life now I promise not to forget you I promise to appreciate you I promise to love you I needed you then, but I don’t as much now
If you are looking for a tool to work through your pain for greater self-compassion, I recommend Neff’s practices from her website. I also use Tara Brach’s RAIN practice.
Recognize what is happening
Allow the experience to be there, just as it is
Investigate with interest and care
Nurture with self-compassion
Above all else, ask yourself, “Would I talk like this to a friend?” Choose to be your best friend as an Inner Champion, not an Inner Critic.
2. Generous relationships.
Once we have tapped into our love of self, we are better able to be generous in all our relationships, both personally and professionally. Generosity is the inclination or predilection to give liberally and always intends to enhance the actual well-being of those to whom it provides. My friend and keynote speaker, Greg Bell, chose “generosity” as his word of the year in 2022. I love his quote from his blog, “the act of generosity, no matter how small it may seem, can have a ripple effect on those around us. It has the power to bond people and create stronger communities.”
This ripple effect is evident in the book Go Giver, which was gifted to me by one of my first and longest-term clients. It is a powerful parable about the value of generosity and the idea that giving can lead to success. Success and fulfillment come from a mindset of giving, serving others, and building genuine relationships. Through these principles, the book emphasizes that by focusing on adding value to others' lives, success and fulfillment naturally follow.
However, be careful. There can be a dark side to generosity. Dr. Adam Grant talks with writer Anne Lamott in this recent podcast. She is a helper like me. As an Enneagram Two, our shadow side is to assume everyone wants our help and advice. Anne says, “Help is the sunny side of control.” In my personal and professional relationships, everyone is on their own beautiful journey. My role is to come alongside, encourage, listen, and love.
3. Generous leader.
When working with leaders, I begin by identifying their essence and identifying a quality that will serve them as we work together. For a couple of my clients over the years, I have offered “generosity.” As a companion to this quality, I recommend that they read Dr. Adam Grant’s book, Give and Take. Grant categorizes people into three main groups: givers, takers, and matchers. Givers are those who prioritize helping others without expecting anything in return. He showcases the benefits of adopting a giving mindset, not only for personal fulfillment but also for achieving greater success and positively impacting others.
A generous leader creates a culture of growth within the organization, as described by Dr. Mary Murphy in her recent book, Cultures of Growth: How the New Science of Mindset Can Transform Individuals, Teams, and Organizations. The gifts these leaders share are time with colleagues by deeply listening, a coaching approach to develop their people, and feedback that is specific to help them grow.
Before you can be a generous leader, you need to take the first step and be generous to yourself. Not just with compassion, but with self-care practices of exercise, sleep, eating healthy, contemplative time, self-reflection, etc. We need our leaders to be filled with energy. And the most generous people have very clear boundaries as described in this video by Brené Brown and this podcast.
Gifts
Song: "Have It All" by Jason Mraz is a reset back to the heart, a return to joy, a song with a message of generosity, a blessing disguised as a playful rap song, and one meant to be paid forward and shared.
Four-Minute Sound Bath Practice: Dasha Shleyeva’s (Portland, OR) deepest joy in life is reciprocally sharing embodiment, autonomy, and celebration for and between all beings.
Birthday Flower: With their graceful form and intoxicating fragrance, sweet peas awaken an undeniable sense of gratitude for the beginning of Spring. April birth flowers embody kindness, and they leave everyone around them feeling lucky about the arrival of a new season!
Updates
The board of the Multnomah Athletic Foundation just elected me as Co-chair. I look forward to generously serving our youth through athletics and academics alongside our talented Executive Director and board.
Benefit Corporation for Good re-certified O+I Develop this month. Here is a link to my Annual Benefit Report.
The Portland Business Journal’s PDX BizWomenCoalition recently featured me, and it was a delight to share the importance of lifting women up.
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